Batteries Not Included


I want to assure you that I do not plan to pose nude, no matter how much they offer me. I know that many of you view me as a role model and I will not cheapen myself in your eyes for mere lucre. That being said, I’m totally okay with Levi Johnston displaying his qualifications for higher office in Playgirl if he so chooses. That poor bastard had to spend like a year pretending he was looking forward to having Sarah Palin for a mother-in-law; he deserves something for his pain and anguish.

Bristol Palin Levi Johnston
Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin on a three-state killing spree in happier times.

In other signs of the Apocalypse, I was shocked to learn that the Vermont Country Store is now selling what they coyly call “Intimate Solutions,” some of which are very naughty and require AA batteries. Now I’m no prude, and I think that whatever a person does in the privacy of his or her home (or on the Internet) is their own business. But that the stuff is for sale in the Vermont Country Store is just plain disturbing. I used to go there all the time as a kid during summer vacation. Back then the place was a dusty old dump which sold penny candy, flannel nightgowns, maple syrup, and soap which smelled like my grandma. Speaking of whom, I’m pretty sure her brain would have exploded if she’d run across any “intimate solutions” while searching for potholders.

Clearly the world has changed since my youth. Some things, however, have stayed the same. For instance, last Tuesday the people of the Great State of Maine heroically decided to continue to deny basic civil rights to gay people, repealing the law allowing same-sex marriage that the Maine legislature passed some six months ago. Way to go, voters of Maine! Thanks for protecting our children from the insidious gay agenda to get spousal healthcare and the right to visit each other in the hospital!

Still, all in all, it’s great to live in a country when men are allowed to pose naked in major magazines and where people can buy intimate power tools along with their long underwear and licorice whips. (Unless other men look at the naked man’s pictures, of course, or two people of the same sex use the power tools together. Because that just creeps us out.)

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2 Responses to “Batteries Not Included”

  1. PDA Says:

    I knew your grandmother, and I can inform you that in her book, pot holders WERE an intimate solution. A solution to what, she would never say.

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