Me and My Rip Saw

When not indulging in elaborate revenge fantasies involving Joe Lieberman (“Saw VI: Joementum”), there’s nothing I enjoy more than mucking around in my “man cave” located in the so-called “inlaw” house some thirty-forty feet from our home. When we purchased the property, this teeny little house was occupied by a family which included roughly 15 kids and 27 cats, none of whom were housebroken. Among other amenities* it features saggy plywood floors, Korn stickers on the wall and no heat, running water or plumbing.

Me and My Chainsaw

Chicks dig guys with power tools.

By all rights we should have burned this house down and sowed the ground with salt. Instead we used it as a kennel for a few years, and when it became too nasty for the dogs to live in I took it over. It now houses my growing collection of deadly power tools which I use to fight off the mice.

I love my power tools. I have a table saw, a mitre saw, a router, a drill, a hammer drill, a reciprocating saw, a circular saw, a jigsaw, a chainsaw and a Dremmel. The manliest of these is of course the chainsaw, but I fear it, so it tends to lie dormant until I have a really big tree-related mess of some kind, at which point I take it to the hardware store so that the real men there can sharpen it, check the fluids and explain patiently once again how to use it without decapitating myself. I can never find my safety goggles so I always buy a new pair. I now have roughly 35 pairs of safety goggles, none of which I can currently put my hands on, but I’m sure are around here somewhere.

Setting aside the chainsaw, the coolest tool is the reciprocating saw, affectionately known as a “rip saw.” This tool looks vaguely like an M-16 rifle with a wicked serrated blade for a bayonet and is designed to allow maniacs like me to cut through pretty much anything. With the right blade you could easily take down a barn, or a Subaru, or an entire sorority (assuming the young ladies cooperatively remained within extension-cord range).

Now despite what you’re thinking, I actually do use this stuff. Over the past couple of years I’ve replaced a barn door, built dog kennels and a goat run-in shed, put up extensive fencing, and constructed outdoor furniture, some of which doesn’t suck, if I do say so myself. I won’t say that the equipment has paid for itself yet, but it will someday. (If I can stop myself from buying that cool-ass lathe I have my eye on. It’s a necessity, really.) And even if it doesn’t pay for itself, it’s sure a lot cheaper than some other hobbies that men my age often engage in – collecting Argentinean mistresses, for instance.

Currently I’m working on a computer table for my laptop. I have a computer desk, but it’s broken, by which I mean it’s too big to fit in the room with the flat-screen TV. It’s going pretty good, except that I gouged out a fair chunk of wood while inexpertly using the router on the edges. (I like to think it gives it that antique look.)

The table should be done by this weekend, which will allow me to get back to the important work of imagining Joe Lieberman buried up to his neck in sand and being consumed by fire-ants – without health insurance.


*Including huge black snakes in the toilet.


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One Response to “Me and My Rip Saw”

  1. No one is keeping score Says:

    I knew you couldn’t keep away from mentioning poop again! But as the great writers tell us, “write about what you know.”

    But just to clarify one factual point, although power tools may SEEM like a less expensive hobby than an Argentinian mistress, I doubt you have ever seen an Argentinian mistress take down an abandoned building or put up drywall. They are worth their weight in reciprocating saws, easy. And spackling… Don’t even get me started!

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