Ask Mr. Victim

Dear Mr. Victim:

What does “lol” mean? I have recently begun “surfing” the “web,” and I see the letters “lol” everywhere. What does it mean, and when should I use it?


Bewildered in Alaska


Dear Bewildered:

The letters “lol” are net-speak for “laugh out loud” or “laughing out loud.” They are meant to indicate that the writer has found something so humorous that he or she has in fact, “laughed out loud,” possibly with accompanying snorts. Unfortunately, many people use “lol” incorrectly, like thus:

Doris: It’s raining here.

Jane: It’s sunny here. lol

Doris: Really? I wish it were sunny here! LOL!

Jane: Well, cheer up, maybe you’ll get some sun tomorrow. LOLOLOL!

Doris: RFLMAO!

Unless Doris and Jane are gibbering idiots, this is incorrect. Here is an example of correct usage:

Doris: My grandmother broke her hip.

Dick Cheney: lol


Dear Mr. Victim:

Despite the fact that I never do anything remotely interesting or noteworthy I insist upon updating my Facebook status every 20 minutes. Am I an idiot?


Almost Everybody on Twitter


Dear Almost:



Dear Mr. Victim:

I am running out of synonyms to use for “moron” when debating people who say Barak Obama is a Nazi. Please help!


70,000,000 Dead in World War II


Dear 70,000,000:

Have you considered: clown, doofus, numskull, fool, ass, bonehead, chump, credulous blockhead, dimwit, ignoramius, loonie, putz, loony, simpleton, damn fool, loser, ninny, buffoon, wacko, lunatic, dolt, donkey, dullard, lackwit, lamebrain, boob, booby, sap, dingbat, dweeb, airhead, dummy, dum-dum, chowderhead, peabrain, cabbagehead, fathead, dim-bulb, oaf, lout, ass, blithering idiot, cretin, asshole or chucklehead?


Dear Mr. Victim:

Facebook is slow. What causes that?


Concerned in Montana


Dear Concerned:

Facebook slowness is primarily caused by users taking innumerable quizzes, like “What kind of fungus are you?” or “How well do you know Schenectady?”  Additional slowness is caused by people sending each other dead hookers in “Mob Wars”. This behavior increases the length of time it takes the rest of us to download lolcats or debate idiotic conspiracy theories.



Mr. Victim is an expert on netiquette and everything else. Please feel free to send him your questions, and he’ll feel free to ignore ’em.


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4 Responses to “Ask Mr. Victim”

  1. Sue Says:

    Dear Mr. Victim,

    Why is it that most modern day parents seem to have forgotten to teach their kids manners? What is so hard about respect? Oh, and discipline — that’s gone too! What’s the deal?

    She who resists the urge to shake parents of rude kids

  2. Paul Murphy Says:

    Dear Sue:
    Why do you resist? These children need a good whuppin’, and I recommend that you give it to them personally. And if their parents object, you should pound them too. This world would be a far better place if we routinely beat up each other’s children.
    Also we should smack people who yell “You lie!” at the President during major speeches.

    Mr. Victim

  3. The Other White Meat Says:

    Dear Mr. Victim:

    Are we all going to die of the swine flu, and if so what is the proper respiratory etiquette?

    The Other White Meat

    • Paul Murphy Says:

      Dear Meat:

      Don’t fall for it! It’s a total hoax. The whole swine flu thing has been blown out of proportion by a shameless grasping media intent upon scaring the bajeezus out of you and thus keeping you glued to your television set watching commercials about enlarged prostates and “male enhancement.” Watch your Buffy the Vampire Slayer dvds: you’ll feel much better.


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