Since the election, the country has turned its attention to the oncoming “fiscal cliff,” a series of painful tax-increases and budget-cuts that Congress and the White House imposed a year back to force themselves to act like grownups and actually do something about the country’s tottering finances by year’s end.
So far it doesn’t appear to have worked very well. Speaker Boehner is threatening to hold his breath until he turns orange if he has to raise taxes on the wealthy. Meanwhile the Democrats refuse to discuss increasing the Social Security age, instead demanding that everybody take up smoking once again to get life-expectancy down to financially-reasonable 1970s-era levels.
But why, you might ask, should I care? How does it affect me? Well, the bad news is that if you’re a member of the dwindling Middle Class, you’re screwed. If you make $100k a year, are married and have two kids, your tax rate will go up like 18%, a healthy bite of maybe $3000 more each year. But the good news is that if you’re really rich (aka, a “Job Creator”), you are extra-screwed, as the ridiculous Bush tax cuts will expire and you’ll have to pay something more like your fair share, you slackers.
This will basically return the country to the Blighted Socialist Hellscape tax levels we endured during the early Clinton Administration, so begin hording guns and trashy young White House interns right away.
On the spending side, a number of important programs will get across-the-board cuts. And the US military will take a hit, making it a tad more difficult for us to declare war on new countries who say bad things about us until we’ve ended the current pointless and horrible wars we’re stuck in.
There are some other effects of going over the fiscal cliff that you might not be aware of.
Top Ten Unexpected Results of the US Plunging Over the Fiscal Cliff
- Whiny Business-Owner “Papa” John Schnatter Forced to Go With Cheaper “Eli” Manning in Commercials. Sales Plummet.
- Koch Brothers Unable to Blow More than Half a Billion In Unsuccessful Attempt to Buy Next Presidential Election.
- Unable to Maintain Multiple Wars in Asia and Middle East, Military-Industrial Complex Demands President Declare War on Mexico and Sandusky, Ohio.
- TSA Becomes Inefficient and Surly.
- Donald Trump Declares Bankruptcy. Again. For the Fifth Time. Stupid People Believe His Claim that It’s the Fault of Fiscal Cliff.
- Springsteen Gets Material for Next Album.
- Nation’s 401(k)s Become Marginally More Valueless.
- Rupert Murdoch Threatens to Immigrate to Canada. Canada Closes Borders.
- Drug Enforcement Agency Closes Willy Nelson Branch.
- Nation’s Rich Remain Totally Fucking Loaded.
Anyway, there’s more to this unpleasant business, but it gives me a headache. I’m not a reliable news source, dammit. Check Wikipedia if you want the ugly details. Or watch FOX News. They’re both fair and balanced, so presumably they’ll give you the same info.
Speaking of FOX News, did you see Bill “Baba” O’Reilly struggle to understand that amazing piece of South Korean cultural imperialism “Gangnam Style?” Dude’s totally bewildered about it. “It’s like they’re speaking a whole different language!” (Korean.) He gets assistance from some crackpot psychologist (redundant, I know) who is outraged that kids like this nonsense more than his children’s book. It’s brilliant theatre of the absurd, brought to you by those deranged madmen at the Young Turks.
But I digress. This mess has me both irritated and bored, a dangerous combination. The standoff needs to end, now, or bad things that I don’t really understand maybe will happen. The clowns in Washington had better settle this or there’s gonna be trouble. Big trouble. I have a twitter account (@mrvictim) and I’m not afraid to use it.