I have to say that it’s particularly nice to be on the winning side of this recent election, if for no other reason than that it gives me the chance to really enjoy the wrath of some unbelievably sore losers.
Now I have great sympathy for people who are on the wrong side in an election. In my day I’ve voted for Jimmy Carter, John Kerry, and God help me, Mike Dukakis. And like many on the left I was outraged by what I saw as George W. Bush’s “theft” of the election from Al Gore. Losing hurts like hell, especially if you think that the opponent has done or is going to do a terrible job. (Who in the name of God voted for “W” twice, anyway? What were you lunatics smoking, and why didn’t you give me some?)
But in the present election, I can’t help but think that some on the Right are taking their defeat kind of hilariously badly. In some cases this is due to the fact that they were persistently and emphatically lied to over the course of the election by their lame-ass hyper-partisan media outlets and other assorted political hacks masquerading as “experts” who repeatedly assured them that they were totally winning and that most of the country hated and feared that black Muslim socialist gay atheist Kenyan as much as they did. So their defeat came totally out of the blue, making it all the harder to bear, and perhaps they can be forgiven to mistaking what was merely a lost election for the end of the world.
Well, let me reassure you folks: come in off the ledge; everything’s going to be okay. The country will survive Obama, just as it survived Bush, Carter, Nixon, and that bastard Millard Fillmore. (Hate that guy.)
Life will go on, I promise. Actually, once things settle down you may not notice much of a difference in your day-to-day existence. Here’s some stuff that Barack Obama and his Merry Band of Gay Marxists aren’t going to do during his second term:
1. Take Your Guns.
The President is not going to take your weaponry. He’s just not. Over the past four years he’s done nothing to limit the amount of grossly lethal hardware out on the streets: why would he start now? Many of us liberals really wish he would, but it’s clearly not important enough for him to waste his political capital on. So cling away – you’re safe. Go out and shoot something and eat it!
2. Gay-Marry You.
If you’re not gay, nobody’s going to force you to become gay. Frankly, you’re just not that attractive and your clothing sense is terrible. So leave the gay people alone and they’ll leave you alone. Promise.(Also, if you are secretly gay, it will be a lot easier for you to come out of the closet and live a full and happy life with the partner of your choice. Though you’re not gay, of course. Except for that one time, but it was in college and you were really drunk. Just forget it.)
3. Surrender to the Commies.
It might be useful to remember that this country spends as much on its military as the next ten countries combined. No one’s exactly sure why, but we do. I guess it’s if everybody else gangs up on us in the playground during recess or something. Plus we have these cool drone things which allow us to slip into other countries we’re not at war with and kill folks without putting our own troops at risk. The US is probably relatively more powerful now than it ever has been in history. Also the Commies are getting rich selling us phones, and this market would dry up if they went to war with us. Even under sequestration we’d still outgun the next nine countries. (We’ll just have to pray that Belgium doesn’t pile on if we’re attacked.) In another words, Red Dawn is FICTION. Relax!
4. Force You to Have Health Insurance.
Okay, you got me on this one. You may be forced to get health insurance. Also your kids. If you really hate the thought of that, you should probably move to Canada.
Oh wait. Scratch that. They have national healthcare there. Also, Mexico. Hmm. Costa Rica? Nope, them too. And Europe is out as well. But wait: Turkmenistan still is free from the scourge – for now. Best get a tetanus shot before you go, though. I understand their healthcare sucks.
You see, it’s just not going to be that bad under Obama II. Things may even improve a little bit, if we can get the bozos in Congress to do what they were hired for. So lighten up!
But, one request: if you DO decide to stick around – and we hope you do – kindly shut the hell up about secession. That’s a load of crap and you know it. Not gonna happen, not even in Texas. Your barbecue’s too good and we’re not letting go of Austin under any circumstances. It really sucked the last time somebody tried that, and we’re not going down that path again. You’re stuck with us; you might as well try to make the best of it.
So let’s shake, buy each other a drink, and together shuffle cautiously forward into the 21st century. I hear it’s nice there. Everybody’s got health insurance.