Congratulations on your sweeping triumph in last night’s election. It is indeed an historic win for you and I believe the best possible outcome for the country. I advise you to get your victory hugs in now, as you have one hell of a lot of work to do right away. I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a short “To Do List” for your convenience.
First thing you might want to do is to stop using drones to kill specific people, especially in nations that we are not at war with. This is: A. deeply creepy “1984″ shit, B. soul-destroying for the country as a whole and for you personally, and C. will cease to be entertaining as soon as other countries begin doing it — say, China in Tibet, for example, or Russia in Chechnya. Or UNC in the NCAA Finals. The Tarheels just can’t be trusted with that power!
The War in Afghanistan
Now that the election is over, you should probably admit that staying in that poor benighted country for another year is totally pointless and will just get more Americans killed. It’s time to end that war too.
I applaud your decision to begin socking it to the rich, particularly bozos like Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers. Can you create a specially noxious tax rate for guys I personally dislike? I’ll send you a list. (Also the rest of us could probably afford to pay a little more if it were spent on stuff like rebuilding infrastructure and killing the debt.)
We have NO ENEMIES IN THE WORLD CAPABLE OF CHALLENGING US MILITARILY. And you know damned well that the way to fight terrorism is not with more aircraft carriers. So why the hell are we spending so much on our military? I’d much rather spend a chunk of that money on finding a cure for the New York Jets.
Honey Boo Boo
You should nationalize Honey Boo Boo and send her on a goodwill mission to Pluto. Also Michele Bachmann. (How did that clown win another term anyway? What’s wrong with Minnesota? You should trade that state to Canada in for Nova Scotia and some arctic drilling rights to be named later.)
This recent unpleasantness in New Jersey and New York known as “Sandy” has maybe given you a mandate to take climate change seriously. So use it before the rest of Jersey drowns and Chris Christie strokes out.
The Patriot Act
The Feds seriously don’t need to know what porn I download on the Internet or how often I crank-call Laura Ingraham. They just don’t. So stop it. You need to dial back the FBI a whole bunch. Don’t leave it for your predecessor or it will never get done. Ever. And you’ll be responsible. Also, close Guantanamo. You promised.
Finally, don’t forget to have fun! Your job is important, sure, but you should try to enjoy life while doing it. The next time you see Eric Cantor, give him a wedgie. Invite Allen West to the White House for a farewell drink, then when he arrives hide behind the curtains and don’t answer the door. Pay Sasha and Malia $20 bucks to pelt Mitch McConnell with eggs. Go on, Mr. President, live a little!
And again, congratulations. You’ve earned it. So have we. We really dodged a bullet.