Lacking any coherent subject or theme this week, I’ve huffed some non-dairy whipped kreme and written down various random thoughts. I recommend against reading them sober. Good luck!
• I hear that the GOP is going to let lovable billionaire pinhead Donald Trump moderate an upcoming presidential debate. This is clearly a sign of the End Times, and I’m surprised noted prognosticator John Hodgman neglected to mention it in his fine work describing the impending Ragnarok, “That is All.”
• As I age, I look forward to consuming more than my fair share of the world’s dwindling resources. Sorry, future generations, but there it is.
• If they want to get a reality TV show host to moderate a GOP presidential debate, they should ask Heidi Klum. She’s smarter than Donald Trump and she has much better hair. “In Republican politics, one week you’re in; the next – you’re out…” Ooo.
• In the game “Skyrim,” I kill animals and people and harvest their souls to power my weapons. This creeps me the hell out, but I do it anyway. Such is the power of computer gaming to turn you evil.
• There’s something surreal about Ray Lewis, arguably the manliest dude in all of professional sports, being laid low by a toe injury. I’m sure they’re covering something up. He was probably attacked by a velociraptor. Or Sauron. I bet he kicked their asses.
• If Herman Cain was forced to leave the GOP presidential race because of his sexual peccadilloes, Newt Gingrich should be booted out of this species entirely. What gives?
• Every time an NFL football announcer says, “…they can’t let the quarterback break contain” rather than “…break containment,” I go out and strangle a baby duck. So they should stop.
• Despite her liberal attitude on many things, my wife doesn’t like it when I go to the Twilight movies to pick up chicks.
• Donald Trump? Really? Why not somebody with gravitas? Elmo maybe.
• …Say… that gives me an idea: “Tickle Me, Gingrich!”
• More American parents than ever are refusing to get their children vaccinated. (Because they’re stupid.)
• When the kids die of easily-preventable disease, I bet their parents try to sue somebody. If they do, I vote we send Ray Lewis after them. Or I could take their souls. I’m fine either way.
Ho, ho, ho!