Yo: I’m on hiatus here, as you might have noticed. If you enjoy my ravings you could check out my new other blog, “San Francisco Ho!” right here.
Good news for the armaments industry, folks. In the wake of the brutal murder of 20 little kids and 6 adults in Newtown, Connecticut, patriotic Americans are buying the shit out of guns, especially the weapon used to blow the heads off of the children on Friday. Sales are also booming for the ammunition used by those weapons as well as the high-capacity magazines that ensure a gunman won’t have to reload in the middle of systematically executing a classroom full of screaming seven-year-olds and their teacher.
People on the other side of this debate often ask, “Cars kill more people than guns, why not ban them?” I have three answers for this: 1. Cars fulfill a useful purpose in this society, whereas I believe that these fucking murder weapons do not. 2. All deaths are not equal. Death from a car accident fills us with sorrow and pity: we grieve and then we move on. However, the deliberate massacre of our children by a madman eats away at our collective soul, and we are permanently diminished. It may not be reasonable or fair, but there it is. 3. Every effort is made to make cars safer, while zero effort is made to make these killing machines safer. And that’s insane.
Enjoy your cool new weapons, America. Try not to let them be used to execute anybody’s children, okay? Thanks!
P.S. Here’s an article discussing how the rest of the world views our pathological addition to guns. Well worth a read.
Newtown Victim List
- Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female
- Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male
- Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female.
- Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female
- Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female
- Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female
- Dylan Hockley, 3/8/06, male
- Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female
- Madeleine F. Hsu, 7/10/06, female
- Catherine V. Hubbard, 6/08/06, female
- Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male
- Jesse Lewis, 6/30/06, male
- James Mattioli , 3/22/06, male
- Grace McDonnell, 12/04/05, female
- Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female
- Emilie Parker, 5/12/06, female
- Jack Pinto, 5/06/06, male
- Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male
- Caroline Previdi, 9/07/06, female
- Jessica Rekos, 5/10/06, female
- Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female
- Lauren Rousseau, 6/1982, female
- Mary Sherlach, 2/11/56, female
- Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female
- Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male
- Allison N. Wyatt, 7/03/06, female
Since the election, the country has turned its attention to the oncoming “fiscal cliff,” a series of painful tax-increases and budget-cuts that Congress and the White House imposed a year back to force themselves to act like grownups and actually do something about the country’s tottering finances by year’s end.
So far it doesn’t appear to have worked very well. Speaker Boehner is threatening to hold his breath until he turns orange if he has to raise taxes on the wealthy. Meanwhile the Democrats refuse to discuss increasing the Social Security age, instead demanding that everybody take up smoking once again to get life-expectancy down to financially-reasonable 1970s-era levels.
But why, you might ask, should I care? How does it affect me? Well, the bad news is that if you’re a member of the dwindling Middle Class, you’re screwed. If you make $100k a year, are married and have two kids, your tax rate will go up like 18%, a healthy bite of maybe $3000 more each year. But the good news is that if you’re really rich (aka, a “Job Creator”), you are extra-screwed, as the ridiculous Bush tax cuts will expire and you’ll have to pay something more like your fair share, you slackers.
This will basically return the country to the Blighted Socialist Hellscape tax levels we endured during the early Clinton Administration, so begin hording guns and trashy young White House interns right away.
On the spending side, a number of important programs will get across-the-board cuts. And the US military will take a hit, making it a tad more difficult for us to declare war on new countries who say bad things about us until we’ve ended the current pointless and horrible wars we’re stuck in.
There are some other effects of going over the fiscal cliff that you might not be aware of.
Top Ten Unexpected Results of the US Plunging Over the Fiscal Cliff
- Whiny Business-Owner “Papa” John Schnatter Forced to Go With Cheaper “Eli” Manning in Commercials. Sales Plummet.
- Koch Brothers Unable to Blow More than Half a Billion In Unsuccessful Attempt to Buy Next Presidential Election.
- Unable to Maintain Multiple Wars in Asia and Middle East, Military-Industrial Complex Demands President Declare War on Mexico and Sandusky, Ohio.
- TSA Becomes Inefficient and Surly.
- Donald Trump Declares Bankruptcy. Again. For the Fifth Time. Stupid People Believe His Claim that It’s the Fault of Fiscal Cliff.
- Springsteen Gets Material for Next Album.
- Nation’s 401(k)s Become Marginally More Valueless.
- Rupert Murdoch Threatens to Immigrate to Canada. Canada Closes Borders.
- Drug Enforcement Agency Closes Willy Nelson Branch.
- Nation’s Rich Remain Totally Fucking Loaded.
Anyway, there’s more to this unpleasant business, but it gives me a headache. I’m not a reliable news source, dammit. Check Wikipedia if you want the ugly details. Or watch FOX News. They’re both fair and balanced, so presumably they’ll give you the same info.
Speaking of FOX News, did you see Bill “Baba” O’Reilly struggle to understand that amazing piece of South Korean cultural imperialism “Gangnam Style?” Dude’s totally bewildered about it. “It’s like they’re speaking a whole different language!” (Korean.) He gets assistance from some crackpot psychologist (redundant, I know) who is outraged that kids like this nonsense more than his children’s book. It’s brilliant theatre of the absurd, brought to you by those deranged madmen at the Young Turks.
But I digress. This mess has me both irritated and bored, a dangerous combination. The standoff needs to end, now, or bad things that I don’t really understand maybe will happen. The clowns in Washington had better settle this or there’s gonna be trouble. Big trouble. I have a twitter account (@mrvictim) and I’m not afraid to use it.
I have to say that it’s particularly nice to be on the winning side of this recent election, if for no other reason than that it gives me the chance to really enjoy the wrath of some unbelievably sore losers.
Now I have great sympathy for people who are on the wrong side in an election. In my day I’ve voted for Jimmy Carter, John Kerry, and God help me, Mike Dukakis. And like many on the left I was outraged by what I saw as George W. Bush’s “theft” of the election from Al Gore. Losing hurts like hell, especially if you think that the opponent has done or is going to do a terrible job. (Who in the name of God voted for “W” twice, anyway? What were you lunatics smoking, and why didn’t you give me some?)
But in the present election, I can’t help but think that some on the Right are taking their defeat kind of hilariously badly. In some cases this is due to the fact that they were persistently and emphatically lied to over the course of the election by their lame-ass hyper-partisan media outlets and other assorted political hacks masquerading as “experts” who repeatedly assured them that they were totally winning and that most of the country hated and feared that black Muslim socialist gay atheist Kenyan as much as they did. So their defeat came totally out of the blue, making it all the harder to bear, and perhaps they can be forgiven to mistaking what was merely a lost election for the end of the world.
Well, let me reassure you folks: come in off the ledge; everything’s going to be okay. The country will survive Obama, just as it survived Bush, Carter, Nixon, and that bastard Millard Fillmore. (Hate that guy.)
Life will go on, I promise. Actually, once things settle down you may not notice much of a difference in your day-to-day existence. Here’s some stuff that Barack Obama and his Merry Band of Gay Marxists aren’t going to do during his second term:
1. Take Your Guns.
The President is not going to take your weaponry. He’s just not. Over the past four years he’s done nothing to limit the amount of grossly lethal hardware out on the streets: why would he start now? Many of us liberals really wish he would, but it’s clearly not important enough for him to waste his political capital on. So cling away – you’re safe. Go out and shoot something and eat it!
2. Gay-Marry You.
If you’re not gay, nobody’s going to force you to become gay. Frankly, you’re just not that attractive and your clothing sense is terrible. So leave the gay people alone and they’ll leave you alone. Promise.(Also, if you are secretly gay, it will be a lot easier for you to come out of the closet and live a full and happy life with the partner of your choice. Though you’re not gay, of course. Except for that one time, but it was in college and you were really drunk. Just forget it.)
3. Surrender to the Commies.
It might be useful to remember that this country spends as much on its military as the next ten countries combined. No one’s exactly sure why, but we do. I guess it’s if everybody else gangs up on us in the playground during recess or something. Plus we have these cool drone things which allow us to slip into other countries we’re not at war with and kill folks without putting our own troops at risk. The US is probably relatively more powerful now than it ever has been in history. Also the Commies are getting rich selling us phones, and this market would dry up if they went to war with us. Even under sequestration we’d still outgun the next nine countries. (We’ll just have to pray that Belgium doesn’t pile on if we’re attacked.) In another words, Red Dawn is FICTION. Relax!
4. Force You to Have Health Insurance.
Okay, you got me on this one. You may be forced to get health insurance. Also your kids. If you really hate the thought of that, you should probably move to Canada.
Oh wait. Scratch that. They have national healthcare there. Also, Mexico. Hmm. Costa Rica? Nope, them too. And Europe is out as well. But wait: Turkmenistan still is free from the scourge – for now. Best get a tetanus shot before you go, though. I understand their healthcare sucks.
You see, it’s just not going to be that bad under Obama II. Things may even improve a little bit, if we can get the bozos in Congress to do what they were hired for. So lighten up!
But, one request: if you DO decide to stick around – and we hope you do – kindly shut the hell up about secession. That’s a load of crap and you know it. Not gonna happen, not even in Texas. Your barbecue’s too good and we’re not letting go of Austin under any circumstances. It really sucked the last time somebody tried that, and we’re not going down that path again. You’re stuck with us; you might as well try to make the best of it.
So let’s shake, buy each other a drink, and together shuffle cautiously forward into the 21st century. I hear it’s nice there. Everybody’s got health insurance.
Congratulations on your sweeping triumph in last night’s election. It is indeed an historic win for you and I believe the best possible outcome for the country. I advise you to get your victory hugs in now, as you have one hell of a lot of work to do right away. I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a short “To Do List” for your convenience.
First thing you might want to do is to stop using drones to kill specific people, especially in nations that we are not at war with. This is: A. deeply creepy “1984″ shit, B. soul-destroying for the country as a whole and for you personally, and C. will cease to be entertaining as soon as other countries begin doing it — say, China in Tibet, for example, or Russia in Chechnya. Or UNC in the NCAA Finals. The Tarheels just can’t be trusted with that power!
The War in Afghanistan
Now that the election is over, you should probably admit that staying in that poor benighted country for another year is totally pointless and will just get more Americans killed. It’s time to end that war too.
I applaud your decision to begin socking it to the rich, particularly bozos like Donald Trump and the Koch Brothers. Can you create a specially noxious tax rate for guys I personally dislike? I’ll send you a list. (Also the rest of us could probably afford to pay a little more if it were spent on stuff like rebuilding infrastructure and killing the debt.)
We have NO ENEMIES IN THE WORLD CAPABLE OF CHALLENGING US MILITARILY. And you know damned well that the way to fight terrorism is not with more aircraft carriers. So why the hell are we spending so much on our military? I’d much rather spend a chunk of that money on finding a cure for the New York Jets.
Honey Boo Boo
You should nationalize Honey Boo Boo and send her on a goodwill mission to Pluto. Also Michele Bachmann. (How did that clown win another term anyway? What’s wrong with Minnesota? You should trade that state to Canada in for Nova Scotia and some arctic drilling rights to be named later.)
This recent unpleasantness in New Jersey and New York known as “Sandy” has maybe given you a mandate to take climate change seriously. So use it before the rest of Jersey drowns and Chris Christie strokes out.
The Patriot Act
The Feds seriously don’t need to know what porn I download on the Internet or how often I crank-call Laura Ingraham. They just don’t. So stop it. You need to dial back the FBI a whole bunch. Don’t leave it for your predecessor or it will never get done. Ever. And you’ll be responsible. Also, close Guantanamo. You promised.
Finally, don’t forget to have fun! Your job is important, sure, but you should try to enjoy life while doing it. The next time you see Eric Cantor, give him a wedgie. Invite Allen West to the White House for a farewell drink, then when he arrives hide behind the curtains and don’t answer the door. Pay Sasha and Malia $20 bucks to pelt Mitch McConnell with eggs. Go on, Mr. President, live a little!
And again, congratulations. You’ve earned it. So have we. We really dodged a bullet.
1. The only important parts of the world are those that have oil or make iPads.
2. Both candidates will do whatever Israel tells them to do because Israel’s policies are always best for America; also Florida is in play.
3. The drone program is doing fine. Just FINE. Let’s move on.
4. President Obama was wrong to announce a date for the end of the occupation of Afghanistan. Romney will also get out by that date, just please don’t tell the Taliban.
5. On Day One Romney will label China a currency manipulator. On Day Two he will ask them to continue to finance our huge debt. On Day Three they will make him eat a big turd.
6. Romney has the creepiest smile of any national political figure since Nixon.
7. Everything is FINE in Guantanamo Bay. Let’s move on.
8. When Romney said “let Detroit go bankrupt” he didn’t really mean it. He meant “Do exactly what Obama did.” In fact, it was his idea. Obama stole it from him.
9. Detroit is surprisingly important to American foreign policy in that it got more discussion than Europe and Africa combined. Also India, Mexico, and South America. However Greece did get a mention as a place Romney doesn’t want the US to turn into.
10. Romney believes that Obama’s foreign policy has been a massive failure. Romney agrees with 99% of Obama’s foreign policy.
11. There are fewer bayonets in the military than there were in 1916. Also fewer horses. This may be untrue but it certainly is hilarious.
12. Bob Schieffer was clearly in the tank for Obama in that he didn’t stop Obama from wiping the floor with Romney.
13. Nobody wants a war with Iran.
14. Obama’s sanctions policy against Iran is a failure, as Iran is four years closer to having a nuclear bomb. Romney would follow the exact same policy.
15. Unless Israel says different (see Number 2, above).
16. If Romney keeps saying “Obama went on an apology tour” enough times then maybe the guys who were always going to vote for Romney in the first place will eventually believe it.
17. The US spends as much on its military as the next 10 countries combined. Neither candidate sees anything wrong with that.
18. Romney wants to increase the military budget by another trillion dollars to defend against Russia or Islam or whoever it is each registered voter is afraid of.
19. Romney will say anything to get elected president. What the hell he will actually do if he IS elected is anybody’s guess.
20. The debate was horrible, but it was still better than that Monday Night Football game. Bears vs. Lions? Who picks these things?
Okay. Pretty much every single “binders of women” joke has already been done — so why not just pile the hell on? I never claimed to be original or anything. If you want original humor, dig up Andy Kaufman.
If you saw the second Presidential debate — and I know you did — you were, like me, struck by several things. First, those two men really dislike each other. Second, as FOX News angrily reported, the moderator, CNN reporter Candy Crowley, proved that she was firmly in the Obama camp by pointing out a blatant falsehood made by Mitt Romney on the subject of Libya. Shame on her! Shame!
The argument was about when was the first time that Obama called the Benghazi attack an “act of terrorism.” Obama said that he had used the term in a Rose Garden speech the day after the attack and Romney said that he hadn’t used the term for several weeks. Crowley informed the crowd that Obama was correct, at which point everybody cheered and began hitting Romney with sticks.
At the time I was struck by an odd thought: “who cares?” I didn’t understand why this was especially important. It was a terrible, messy tragedy. Our embassy had been overrun, four Americans were dead and everything was in chaos. It seems quite forgivable if the Administration didn’t know what the fuck had happened for a couple of days, especially given that the attack was simultaneous with other protests over that goddamned anti-Muslim video. Maybe Romney was right to claim the attack was a sign that the Administration’s Middle Eastern policy was failing. But then he should have been arguing that, not over the date Obama used the word “terrorism.”
It depresses me that this is the level that the Presidential contest has sunk to. Nobody was debating the country’s ridiculous, self-destructive drug policy or whether it was sensible to use FLYING KILLER DEATH ROBOTS OF DOOM against people who disliked us. They were fighting over when the President first used a specific word to describe a really horrible event.
Wait. Was it “horrible” or “terrible”? Now I’m flip-flopping too. Please don’t tell Hannity.
Oh well. At least we got to hear Romney use the immortal phrase, “binders full of women.” Romney was saying that when he had been elected governor of Massachusetts he had been presented with an all-male cabinet, which he rejected because he wanted to include some women. Eventually he was brought the famous “binders full of women” to choose from, and he put lots of gals into his cabinet.
Personally, I find it difficult to muster much Liberal Outrage over this particular statement either. It was awkwardly expressed and vaguely condescending, but hardly a substantive gaffe. The phrase was, however, hilarious, and therefore I’ll be forever grateful to Mitt for coining it. Just last night I said to my wife, “Darling, you’re the only woman in MY binder!” and she punched me in the face. It was quite romantic.
Anyway, the debate was mildly entertaining as theater. The biggest takeaway from it was that Obama clearly wants to be reelected, so he was willing to properly prepare for this second debate after the drubbing he received in the last one. So maybe Chris Matthews can stop crying now, okay?
Today’s Insta Poll
Jim Lehrer: “Gentlemen, the country’s infrastructure is crumbling. Can you explain exactly how you will address this critical issue? You first, Governor Romney.”
Mitt Romney: “Americans are hurting from four years of me not being president even a little. I will reach across the aisle to work with Democrats right after I destroy their cherished healthcare plan and replace it with something different but just as good. I’ll get back to you on exactly what after the election, but I promise it’ll be excellent.”
“Shut up, Jim. I’m still talking.”
Lehrer: “Mr. President, your response.”
Obama: “Jesus I’m tired. Do I really have to stand here and debate this clown? If you don’t realize how crappy his ideas are by now, you’re too stupid to live and I’ll never convince you. Also, Osama Bin Laden’s dead. I did that. What more do you want from me?”
Lehrer: “Thank you, Mr. President.”
Obama: “Great job, Jim. Can I go home and sleep now?”
Let My People Vote – Get Nana a Gun
It appears that the pesky independent judiciary is slapping down one GOP-sponsored voter-suppression law after another. Fricking huzzah. I credit Sarah Silverman’s amazing video, “Let My People Vote – Get Nana a Gun” for the turnaround. Check it out.
Alert the media. According to the British National Pig Association a shortage of bacon next year is nigh unavoidable. The worldwide pig herd is shrinking, due in large part to high feed prices caused by the global failure of the maize and soya harvests. Of course this is disturbing to those of us who love a crispy strip of carcinogenic smoked fried porkfat in the morning — and who doesn’t? — but according to my wife it has even deeper political implications, which I must blog about.
“You’re crazy,” I replied reasonably. “What are you talking about?”
“No really,” she responded. “There’s this horrible election, and next year there’s going to be a bacon shortage. It’d be perfect for one of your blogs. You’re always writing about how digging horse poop reminds you of Romney or something; this is just like that. These politicians are total asses, and now we’re going to run out of bacon! All you have to do is connect the two.”
Now my wife is smart and beautiful, yet like so many, many women she is ignorant of the two primary rules of political blogging – one: don’t joke about pig product shortages, and two: don’t make jokes about Romney winning when his campaign is self-destructing so hilariously in front of everyone’s eyes.
I mean, why make up stuff when reality is just sitting there snickering?
It’s Nice in the Bunker
If you watch any news, you can’t help but marvel at how rapidly Mitt’s campaign is imploding. Lately it’s gotten so bad that the FOX News Sycophants ‘n’ Friends are getting angry at the pollsters who are saying that Romney is losing, which is pretty much like getting angry at the doctor for telling you that your blood pressure is too high after the eyeballs have burst from your head and bounced around the room like hyperactive ping pong balls. Watch Stephen Colbert explain the situation.
Others have taken to blaming Paul Ryan, calling the hapless Wisconsin Congressman “a worse pick than Sarah Palin,” and “a drag on the ticket” because Ryan’s terrible budget and horrible Medicare plans are scaring the bajeezus out of America’s seniors, who have no jobs and therefore tend to vote, the slack old bastards.
While this may be true, I’m not sure that Romney needs any help destroying his campaign. Given his recently-uncovered comments about not needing to trouble himself about the 47 percent of us who are useless whiny no-account shits who batten at the teat of the government, living the high life on that sweet, sweet welfare, Mitt is personally providing as much drag on his campaign as the anchor of the Titanic. Hell, nobody on the Daily Show is even bothering to mock Ryan. Why would they, when the ticket’s leader is providing so much more wonderful material?
So in short, Romney is losing fast, which is funny, and there’s an oncoming bacon shortage, which isn’t. You women need to get it straight.*
Conservative PAC Backs Akin
On a related note, Senate Jim DeMint’s influential Senate Conservative Fund is committing nearly $300,000 to Representative Todd Akin’s bid for the Senate. As you may remember, Akin’s the dude who believes that women have a magic vagina which provides protection against babies when they’re really raped and not just making it up like they always do, the shameless sluts. For a while the Republicans had to pretend to be horrified by Akin’s remarks and stuff, but apparently the statute of limitations on gross ignorance and misogyny is up, and they can once again put pure party interest ahead of women’s rights and other lesser issues.
This move is certain to secure for the GOP the important “Fucking Ignorant Asshole” vote, plus some members of the “He-Man Women-Haters Club.”
Though not “Alfalfa.” That dude loved the ladies.
*That includes my sister, who I swear to God just sent me a message on FaceBook: “Did you hear about the bacon shortage next year? Why don’t you blog about that?
Following a small fire on a plane his wife was riding in the other day, a relieved Governor Mitt Romney jokingly wondered why they don’ t let you open windows aboard an airplane.
Or was it a joke?
People weren’t certain. Maybe Mitt really thought that windows on airplanes should be opened. Who could be sure? Mitt’s comment became a Huge Hoopla on the Internets and Twittersphere, and commentators like Stephen Colbert and Rachel Maddow ate it up.
It’s bad when you’re not sure if your presidential candidate understands about explosive decompression and folks being sucked out of airplanes like in the cooler action movies.
Of course this kind of issue never bothered candidate George W. Bush, since nobody in the entire universe voted for him because they thought he knew anything. We were happy if the guy remembered which podium to stand behind in the debates. But Romney’s a whole different tub of mayonnaise. He’s not supposed to be a lovable dope. He’s supposed to know things. Why would anybody think he’s that stupid?
My feeling here is that the country’s beginning to realize that Romney’s seriously gonna lose this election. And as we always do, we’re rallying around him in the sense of heaping scorn and abuse on Mitt and trying to get some angry chubby guy from New Jersey to take his place. This country hates a loser. Just ask the New York Jets.
Once a candidacy begins to go down the drain, virtually anything the candidate does looks stupid. Remember Dukakis in the tank? It wasn’t that the guy looked kinda doofy in a helmet – he did, of course, but a lot of us do – it was that he was a loser who looked kinda doofy in a helmet.
But don’t expect to hear Romney’s eulogy on the Lamestream Media™ just yet. The goddamned election is still six weeks away, and we have an entire industry of pundits, politicians, reporters, gaffers, grips, money-raisers, publishers, pollsters, spin-doctors, hookers, and bus drivers who rely on it for their livings. And as such it’s in their interests to gin up as much excitement as possible about the pathetic thing, even if that means ignoring a lot of unpleasant facts and stuff. Who’s going to want to watch a debate if we all know that Romney’s deader than a mackerel already? Especially if it’s up against Bristol Palin letting it all hang out on “Dancing With the Stars” on another channel. I mean, hotcha.
And think about the poor bastards stuck on campaign busses with Romney’s sad little running mate Paul Ryan. Covering a VP candidate is bad enough: suppose you had to cover the VP candidate of a totally losing ticket? Hide the liquor and put them boys on suicide watch.
So the next 45 or so days are going to be quite hellish on all of us. Polls will be bent, half-truths will be spoken, and facts will be mangled by the same folks who, the day after the election, will explain how they knew it was going to end that way all along. Everybody wins except us.
And maybe the folks on the plane with Mitt. Keep him away from windows.